How to Say "No" - and Mean It!

Such a small word, but so hard to say. And if you're a woman, it's that much harder. Think about it: after all those years of training to be a "good girl" - being nice, helpful and cooperative - no wonder "no" feels like such a dirty word!

In the scenarios that follow, you'll see how three of my clients learned how to say no, and mean it - without feeling guilty, selfish or wicked. You can too.

Scenario #1: Guilt-ed into action

My client Cindy, a retiree and art-museum docent, explains how guilt kept her from refusing to go on a shopping expedition with her mother-in-law:

"I often find myself wanting to say no, especially concerning family-related obligations - but I can't seem to manage it.

"Last week, my mother-in-law asked me to go clothes shopping with her. I had tons of stuff to catch up on - including a sky-high pile of bills - and schlepping through a mall simply didn't fit into my busy schedule.

"But when I saw the sad, deflated and disappointed look on my mother-in-law's face, of course I felt guilty and gave in. Now I'm mad at myself because I have loads of stuff to do and only myself to blame."

Cindy's story is not unique. How many times have you said, "Sure, I'll do it" when what you've really meant was: "I'd rather get naked with Don Rickles"?

Too many times to count, right?

When I coached Cindy, I asked her what she'd be gaining by agreeing to go shopping with her mother-in-law.

She rolled her eyes and replied, "Absolutely nothing."

I then asked her what she'd gain if she were to say no to her mother-in-law's request.

Cindy's face lit up, and she reeled off a list of at least 25 things she'd do with the extra time; everything from uploading software to her new Mac, to organizing her closets, to taking a Saturday-morning yoga class.

I then asked her to press the mental rewind button on the scene with her mother-in-law and paint a mental picture of what she could have said, instead of "yes," without feeling guilty or selfish.

"Well, I could have told her the truth: that I've got a lot on my plate right now and shopping isn't something I have time for this week."

"Would that have been enough?" I asked.

"Probably not," Cindy admitted.

"Then what else could you have said?" I coaxed.

Cindy furrowed her brow, considering her options.

"I could have offered to go shopping with her next week, when I have more time. Or better yet, in two weeks."

"Would that have felt OK?" I asked.

Cindy smiled. "Yeah, it would. I could be OK with that because I know my mother-in-law would understand. She knows how it feels to be busy."

So there you have it: a simple way to say no, without feeling selfish, evil OR guilty.

Scenario # 2: Under (peer) pressure

Deb, a stay-at-home mom with a six-year-old son, shares this story:

"My son's school organizes many events during the year and, as a stay-at-home mom, I'm often asked to do my share - and more. I don't mind helping out, but lately I've been feeling as if I have little time for myself. Yet, I end up saying yes to everything - from helping raise money at the annual bake sale to selling magazine subscriptions. I'm sick of it!"

What Deb was really telling me, without actually saying it, is that she's been feeling strong-armed - bullied, even - into too many volunteer activities; that she'd rather spend her time on other things, including some much-needed "me-time."

The problem is, Deb felt as if she couldn't refuse; that somehow, it would make her look like an uncooperative or "bad" mom if she were to say no.

During our next session, I asked Deb a straightforward question:

"What keeps you from saying no to these various requests?"

Deb looked at me as if I'd just asked her to join me in a no-holds-barred round of Jell-o wrestling.

"I couldn't say no!" she exclaimed. "It doesn't look good. Besides, all the other moms do so much. How can I refuse?"

"OK," I conceded. "Let's say that a lot of the other parents, particularly the moms, volunteer on a regular basis. That's great for them. But does that mean that, by default, you must volunteer an equal amount of time too?"

At first Deb looked bemused, then quizzical. Then she sighed and said, "No, I guess it doesn't."

"So what -does- it mean?" I probed.

"It means that I have more choices than I think I do. That the only one who's in charge of my time commitments is me."

"Anything else?" I asked.

Deb was on a roll: "That the next time I'm asked to do something at school, I'll choose what I really want to do - not what I think I'm 'supposed' to do, or expected to do."

I smiled. "Bingo!"

The lesson learned? That refusing to say no can lead to unspoken anger and resentment. And that standing up for yourself - and for your time - is more important, and more valuable, than you might realize.

Scenario #3: "Yes-ing" around with the boss

Charmaine, an account executive at a top advertising firm, tells of too much face time at work:

"I'll admit it: I have an amazing job, and I love what I do. The problem is, my work is stressful, and there's a lot of it. My boss understands this, but he's a perfectionist and expects me to be as committed to perfectionism as he is.

"The fact that I'm single means that I'm expected to put in some seriously long hours; hours that eat into my free time, in the evenings and on the weekends. I used to take tap-dancing lessons but had to give it up. I just don't have time.

"There are times when I'd like to go home early (and by early, I mean by 8pm!) but I'm reluctant to say anything because I don't want to come across as a whiner. I also don't want to put my job in jeopardy."

As a deeply intelligent woman, Charmaine was making some pretty short-sighted decisions at work. I asked her about this.

At first she seemed surprised by my candid observation - even shocked. "What do you mean?" she asked me.

"Well," I began, "from the way you describe your work situation, you're making choices based on your boss's needs - not on your own."

Charmaine looked puzzled, even annoyed. I continued, this time with a question:

"What would it look like if the choices you made - to go home early, for instance - were based on your needs and requirements, and were made on your terms?"

A smile played at Charmaine's lips. "I'd like that," she admitted.

"What about that concept appeals to you?" I asked.

"I like the idea of doing what I want to do for a change; for allowing myself to take charge of my life - rather than being at my boss's beck and call 24/7."

This time I smiled. "If that's the case, what would you like to do about it?"

Charmaine smiled more broadly. "I'd like to start taking tap-dancing lessons after work - and actually show up for class for a change - that's what!"

I returned Charmaine's smile. "OK, what can you do to make this happen?"

Without hesitating, Charmaine said, "I'd begin by talking to my boss, and telling him what I need."

"What if he doesn't see things from your point of view?" I challenged.

Again, Charmaine was confidant in her answer: "Then I might consider offering up a few compromises - leaving early once a week in exchange for coming in earlier, say; or working from home on a Saturday instead of coming into the office."

"Does that feel manageable?" I asked.

A big smile from Charmaine: "Yes, it certainly does."

The take-away from this scenario? That standing up for yourself by saying no doesn't have to be scary or intimidating - as long as it's presented in a thoughtful, well considered manner.

Melissa Roske, ACC, founder of Wheels in Motion Coaching (http://www.WheelsinMotionCoaching.com), is a New York University-trained Life and Personal Coach, committed to helping women realize their potential and to successfully attain their goals. Certified by the International Coach Federation (ICF), Melissa is also an internationally published author, advice columnist and relationships advisor.

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